found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
