I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
