bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My ass is underappreciated
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
