The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
