Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
