she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
