did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
