worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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