please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
