Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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