I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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