Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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