we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
