There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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