Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
