so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
