On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
