when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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