So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
