Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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