woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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