if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
