dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
