I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
