The maid of honor just puked.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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