just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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