you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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