I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
