Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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