There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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