The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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