Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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