So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Randomize
