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• (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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• (269): View more from Michigan

  Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

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• (858): View more from California

  I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless

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• (434): View more from Virginia

  Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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• (831): View more from California

  Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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• (925): View more from California

  ...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.

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• (915): View more from Texas

  I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it

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