3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
