Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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