I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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