is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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