I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
