worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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