Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
And then my night got REAL pukey
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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