I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
