Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
