just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
