**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
