I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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