Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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