who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
