I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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