So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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