dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
