You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
