seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
