I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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